I do not consider myself growing up in a Christian household. Both of my parents migrated from Honduras about 26 years ago. For the first few years of my life, I remember having a connected family, which then changed very quickly. In a typical Hispanic family, believing in God is a must, but to have a true and meaningful relationship with Christ is rarely conveyed. My parents divorced when I was young and that was a start for a different life for us. My mom had nowhere to go and I went with her while my siblings went with my dad. My mom and I moved constantly to her friends houses’, slept in the car, and eventually ended up living for a couple months in a motor home with no light, water, or heat. My mom didn’t have a good job so many times we went without food.
She eventually found a house and my sisters Velkis and Kandy moved in with us. We ended up getting evicted because my oldest sister would go out often and come back drunk with her friends. They would make tons of noise outside and wake the neighbors. So we moved yet once again. We ended up at a house that my mom could afford; it was literally falling apart. The ceilings were collapsing, and the floors were breaking apart. But this was the only place my mom could afford. Several months we sacrificed water and power, and food simply so my mom could keep up with rent. We ended up moving once more and this time my mom was able to find some stability. The house was in a fare condition compared to our previous home, so she started up a daycare. My oldest sister Velkis, had two children and lived on and off with my mom. Kandy began to party a lot and often get drunk, which was really hard for me because I always shared a room with her. I remember the long nights I experienced her drunkenness.
My mom would often throw her out, and I would sneak her in through the window. There came a point where my mom threatened to kick me out too, if I continued to sneak her in. I can remember the scared and lonely nights I spent, feeling guilty, and ashamed because I was acting asleep while Kandy begged and pleaded to be let in. There were times I had to go into parties and go get my sister. I was only twelve years old when this started; I couldn’t understand why I was experiencing this. This continued all through middle school and high school.
This didn’t mean I was always the good kid. I was definitely an observer. I watched all time, and processed what was going on. I had an attitude and was always angry. If someone wanted to argue with me, I made sure to win. I was a little rebellious in middle school and wanted attention because I wasn’t getting it at home. I would ditch class, experiment with alcohol, and made poor friend choices. I eventually straightened out, and in high school I became a completely different person. It’s hard for me to think about my past. All I know is that from the day I made the choice to live with my mom, I also decided I would change. I knew I wanted to be somebody. I didn’t want to live in poverty my whole life, not only because it sucked, but I wanted something different for me and my family. Most eight year old didn’t have to think through these things, but I did. I set my self apart at a really young age. When I reached high school age, I was the quiet and calm cheerleader.
My hardest years were junior and senior year. Being different from my siblings made it very hard to get along with them. They were the life of the party, and I was the guest that left early and would much rather read a book instead of going to a party. They perceived me as thinking I was better than them, so it caused division between us. We always fought and my mom would yell at me for it. I have always been really passionate and involved with cheerleading, and my mom didn’t like that. She preferred I work to help her pay the bills. Our arguments were never small, and escalated quickly. My mom would yell at me saying, “I cannot wait until you’re 18 so I can get rid of you,” I hate you,” and “I’m sick of you.”
This caused me to fall into depression. I felt like nobody loved me, and that I was a disappointment at home, school, and cheer. My home situation was stressful, and didn’t have the greatest of friends at school, and I was trying a live a fairytale life at cheer. I was the underprivileged kid whose coach secretly paid for everything. I acted like I had it all, and my cheer friends never new the real me. I was ashamed of what my life really was. My depression only grew stronger to the point where I wanted to end my life. I remember several nights where I cried myself to sleep, begging and pleading to God, asking him to end my life. I didn’t want to wake up the next day. There wasn’t a day where I didn’t argue with someone. There were times where I would drive around crying, and I would think how fast and would need to go so I could kill myself instantly. I was never able to get myself to do it, so college was my only way to escape it all.
I was a good student so college was an obvious route for me. My mom wasn’t very encouraging, so I had to figure out college all on my own. One of my cheer coaches, whom I extremely close with helped me. They recommended CBU (California Baptist University?). It was a convenient option, in state, and far enough to live on campus. I just needed to get away. I attended a cheer recruit clinic, and toured the campus. I absolutely fell in love with the campus. I ended up not cheering for them, but I continued to cheer competitively my freshman year. It was during orientation when I head the gospel for the first time. I was amazed at what I was missing in my life. Yes, I always “believed” in God, but I lacked a relationship with Him. I realized that even though never acknowledge God, he was always present. There was no way I separated myself from my family. My life was set up for me in such a way where it would be easy to choose a path that would led me to destruction. If I would have wanted to drop out of high school or not attend college, I could have. If I wanted to drink, smoke, and party, I could, but I didn’t. Every time I wanted to commit suicide I couldn’t; not because I didn’t let myself, but because God didn’t let me.
In my freshman year I really tried to grow spiritually. It was a very hard year for me. I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know how to study the bible and already lacked basic knowledge. I had no idea what a relationship with Christ looked like. My roommate that year called herself a Christian. She always gave me “Godly” advice and quoted scripture, but her actions were far from a Christian lifestyle. I could not understand how that was ok. That year my RA and campus ministry called, “CHALLENGE” helped me a lot. They spoke truth to me, but I was still confused. My mom began to struggle financially and was desperate for my help. She constantly relies on me, because she knows I will always help her if I could. I have always been the one who would do absolutely anything to help her. When I was younger, I would give her my Christmas and birthday money. I would sell candy bars, and say it was for cheer when they were really to help her. Everything I received I gave to her. This became harder when we were distant from each other. She didn’t understand the amount of pressure she was putting on me to help her. On top of it all, one of my teammates passed away. I had just been with her a few days before at practice. She had an awesome family, who supported her and loved her. She had everything going for her. I couldn’t understand how God can be a good and loving god and take someone away like that. Why was she gone and why was I still here? I begged God to let me die. I was mad because she didn’t deserve to die, and I was a little jealous because I was still here on earth suffering.
I tried going on a mission’s trip because I thought it was the Christian thing to do, thinking I would find God overseas; I wasn’t able to raise enough funds to go. My first night back at home after ending my freshman year in college, my mom and I got into a huge argument. She wanted me to quit cheering and get a job so I can help her. Cheer has always been my escape. I loved being a cheerleader. It was a time for me to forget about all the worries and just do something I enjoyed to do. I cried and usually I would argue back and say awful things to her, but this night I just left. I drove off and ended up driving to Lake Avenue church. It was the only church I knew of, and I couldn’t get lost because it was right off the freeway. I honestly don’t know why I ended up driving to Lake. All that was on my mind were dark thoughts of death and questioning my existence. Everything around me revolved around pain and suffering, and I hated it. I was sick of it. I felt like my mom only loved me when I helped her financially. My sister only talks to me when she needs something. I felt constantly taken advantage of.
Once I was at Lake, I sat in the car crying for a while then got out and roamed around. I was about nine at night and every door was locked. Except one, for some reason the main entrance door was wide open. I walked in and ended up on the third floor. I just sat and cried, I had no idea why I was there or what to do. A volunteer librarian found me crying and asked what was wrong. I told her my story and I simply just needed someone to talk to. She found pastor Walter Alexander who generously asked me to come back early in the morning and he promised to talk to me. That next day he comforted me and gave me advice. He offered for the church to help me. And then he connected me to Jeff Liou. I spoke to him that day as well. This was the first time I felt the love of Christ. After all my searching and struggling, I finally felt it. I was taken back by how much the church loved on me. The church didn’t know me, but yet they still invested in me and helped me. I could have been a thief, but that didn’t stop them from helping me.
That summer I started attending Lake regularly and getting plugged in to the college ministry. This is where God started to open my heart to Christ. On August 25th, 2013 I gave my life to Christ. And on October 13th, 2013 I came back from my sophomore year in college to get baptized. Ever since I fully surrendered my life to Christ, God has really been opening new doors for me. My home circumstances haven’t really changed, but surrendering your life to Christ doesn’t mean that your life now because nice and perfect. It means that no matter what life brings you, you trust in God to walk you through it. My faith in God is so strong that my circumstances haven’t changed, but my perspective has. The way I view my family and the world is different, because God is in me. And he is the driver of my life, not the passenger. God has really been pouring into me. This past summer of 2014, I went on my first missions’ trip. I went to Spain and was able to host cheer camps. This was such an amazing opportunity because God gifted me with a passion and used it to expand His kingdom.
I have been given so many opportunities on campus that have allowed me to grow spiritually. But not only have I grown, I have been given the opportunity to abide by God’s command of making disciples of all nations. In everything that I do, It is a ministry. I am a FOCUS leader; I work with incoming students and guide them through their first semester in college. It is a ministry opportunity because I get the awesome opportunity to sit with them and share the gospel, in hopes of discipling them. I am also on the Challenge ministry team, as I am challenged to pour into students on campus. God has also placed in my heart to be a light to my teammates. I have set goals for myself to meet with them, and share the gospel. I am currently mentoring two. Not only with cheer but God has also led me to reach out to all athletes on campus. I am a co-leader of an all athletes bible study on campus. They can a tough group of people to reach, but the success of this bible study has been beyond amazing. My co-leader is a swimmer and we honestly thought that maybe five people would show up. At our first meeting fifteen people, and this past week we had thirty. We are continuously growing and our goal is to get every sport to come. It has been such a blessing to listen to the encouraging words of our members. They hangout outside of bible study, and they look forward to coming, they have told me it’s the best bible study they have ever been to. Its crazy for me to think that God used me, a shy quiet girl to be the light into so many people lives.
Lastly, God has also opened my heart to missions. I will be student leading a team to East Asia for three weeks. Even though my life at home hasn’t changed a lot, God has changed my heart. The way I confront my family is different; everything is different about me. I always had a desire to be dead, and I can honestly say that girl is dead. And I have been made new through the lord Jesus Christ, and I cannot imagine my life without a relationship with Christ. I believe God set me apart so I can be a light to my family, and show people of my background that there is hope. It might seem hopeless now, but there is hope through Christ. God has really planted a heart for the nations in me, and I don’t know what that looks like for me. But I do know that God calls all of his followers to be mobilizers. Whether we go overseas or not, we are called to be world Christians. And this is exactly what I will continue to do until God calls me to long-term missions. I hope to become a social worker and work with inner city and foster youth. I would love to be able to use my faith to reach out to kids who have been or are in my situation. I want to be the light God called me to be. I want to make a difference in their lives, but most importantly I want to share the Hope.