Angela Davis, one of our former LAC Counselors, shares her story. She now practices as a Marriage and Family Intern in Orange County.
Pound, pound, pound went my feet on the boardwalk that lines the beach where I live. I thought back to my past in high school when I used to run two miles on the dirt trail in Brush Creek. Back then I was a teenager, longing to escape the mundane daily existence of Brush Creek. I remember wanting so desperately for my life to change. 10 years later my life had changed. Instead of a dirt trail beneath me there was concrete, and my former crisp fall weather is now exchanged for year-round sunlight. Change.
Brush Creek. Home. For the first month after the house sold at the end of July I would wake up and think about my house no longer being there for me. It is strange to feel so connected to a place, even if it is a place that carries with it both joyful and sorrowful memories. Losing my childhood home is a loss, a loss I will still feel for a while, a loss that I did not anticipate feeling so sharply. Loss.
Notebook thoughts of a different nature as the preacher continues his message. Did I miss God in deciding to stay in California? Did I somehow fail God? I thought God would provide an opportunity for me here if I was to stay. Am I not working hard enough? Self-doubt and similar questions spin in my mind and I acknowledge that for the first time in a while I feel afraid.
Powerless, the one feeling I most often fear yet enjoy when it reminds me to rely on God. The unknown. I acknowledge that I do not have the power to control the future, much less to find the answers to the questions I am seeking. But God whispers in my ear that my feelings are not reality: He is powerful and I am not powerless--I have choices to make, choices that can make me feel better and choices that can make me feel worse. I am not alone, and even if I feel discouraged my story is not finished yet. Patience. Keep going. I know that if I really need direct answers or confirmations from God he will provide them for me. I ask him if I should return home. "Not yet" I feel Him reply. Finding direction and calling take time and things are necessarily rocky until life becomes more clear. I will find my answers in time.
I read 2 Chronicles 20. It's a wonderful account of how King Jehoshaphat and the people of Judah seek the Lord regarding armies that are approaching them that are impossible to defeat. The Lord tells them that the battle is not theirs but His and that they won't need to fight; they only need to stand in their places (verses 15-17). As the army marches out they sing praises to God and God marvelously delivers them from their enemies. Praise. Praising God helps fight discouragement and so does remembering that He is with me and fights my battles for me.
I also read 2 Kings 4:8 about Elisha resurrecting the Shunammite woman's son. She did not have a son and her husband was old and her pregnancy, prophesied by Elisha, was miraculous. When her son dies she goes to find Elisha and tells him she did not ask for her son and that she did not want Elisha to lie to her (verse 28). Her son is resurrected. Resurrection. No matter how dark life seems there is always the promise of resurrection, and we long for the day when we will be with Christ in glory. Hope for a bright future because hope is eternal, and the promises of God are worth holding onto because God is not a liar. I ask myself what promise of God I am holding onto regarding my future.
Gratitude. I have much to be grateful for during this time of transition--a place to stay with my aunt Pam and her kindness toward me during my different reactions to this season of change. She is patient and loving. She shows me the love of Christ and reminds me that I am supported by many people and their prayers.