James 3:17- "…the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit…"
Looking back on my life and pondering this verse, I think that when God saw the fruit I was producing for most of my adult life, it probably looked more like LEMONS. Somehow, I don’t think that is what He had in mind!
I was “hatched” an independent young lady – with lots of energy and determination. Those attributes have come in very handy through the years starting when my parents died. I was just 12 when my mom died after years of poor health. Dad remarried and was almost immediately diagnosed with terminal cancer. He died when I was 15. My stepmom had a brother in Pasadena so we moved from South Bend, Indiana to California when I was 16. Not a bad place to land at that age. I used to stand in the open hallways at school and just stare at those beautiful mountains. People thought I was weird! I had to explain that we didn’t have those in South Bend!
I finished my last two years of high school here. On the outside, you would have seen a pretty well-adjusted teen, but inside I was missing both of my parents. Feeling lonely, as my stepmom and I weren’t really close, I was also developing a deep craving for the love and adoration of a man, perhaps to replace the close relationship my dad and I had.
I was a good girl, did my chores, homework, went to church, got a part-time job. Then I met my “first love” - I was thrilled that this guy thought I was pretty and had “great legs!” I think many ladies are easily swayed by the attention of a man and it often is our undoing!
I was so excited to have a steady boyfriend! He was two years older than me, the manager of a restaurant and handsome. I think the equation in my head went something like this: if he found me attractive or interesting, then maybe I was valuable, pretty and lovable!
That felt so good to me. I had this emptiness inside that needed to be filled. Obviously, he was the answer! Unfortunately, my stepmom didn’t see it that way! You see, he was Japanese. She called him a “heathen Buddhist.” It didn’t seem to help when I explained that he wasn’t a Buddhist, that he didn’t go to church at all! Then she gave me the ultimatum, "stop dating him or move out!”
[Parents, don’t give your kids ultimatums unless you’re really prepared for them to make the wrong choice!]
For me, this was a “no brainer!” I packed my bag, took my parakeet and left in my old car that night! I didn’t have any place to live. I just went to work, where I was making $1.85/hour and asked another 16 year old if she had any ideas! "Miss Independent" got her wise counsel from other 16 year olds! My friend Susie at work said I could live with her. I thought that was really nice. I asked her if she thought she should ask her parents first. She called them and they said yes – sight unseen!
I think that was the start of my turning away from God. You see, my stepmom was a church-going Christian, and Susie’s parents didn’t go to church at all. But they were much nicer to me than my own Christian family. I thought if that is how Christians behave, who needs it?! Maybe I just wanted an excuse to go out and do whatever I felt like! After all who better to run my life than me? Remember, I was hatched independent!
What followed was a long period of challenging years where I did NOT seek wise counsel – certainly not God’s wisdom. I was far from God in every way and most of my relationships were not healthy ones.
I had been raised in a very strict Christian home with lots of rules and lots of “nos” (and young Linda never really liked “nos”). We were not allowed to use any profanity, no dancing, no watching movies with any kissing,and on and on. I was a compliant child and always wanted to please my parents. So mostly I complied with the rules even though they were suffocating for a precocious child like me! The problem came when I was now out there on my own, really on my own. Now there were no rules and no one to enforce them. I felt like I had been raised in a shoe box with the lid taped shut. Then suddenly, the lid was removed and I could see the whole, big world out there. I thought, YIPPEE!!
So I continued to date my first love. I explored a whole new world with him including things my parents would NOT have been proud of. My Christian family had been pretty “square." I had never seen anyone party, smoke or drink. I got my high from watching others get high. Being on my own was pretty cool. But, doing whatever you like has its consequences. Although I did graduate from high school, at the end of my senior year I became pregnant and quickly had to get married. My husband had been inducted into the Army and went to Viet Nam. While he was there I gave birth to our daughter, Stacey, just before I turned 18. Her dad returned home when she was nine months old. I wanted our life to be like “Leave it to Beaver." I was sure that everything would just fall into place.
The reality was, that our relationship was based mostly on physical attraction on his part and a desire to be loved and cherished by a man on my part. When we actually lived together, we didn’t have the same needs, goals or interests. I wanted to “play house” and live “happily ever after”. He was dealing with the emotional wounds of war and wanted to hang out with his buddies and party, trying to numb the memories. That marriage ended before Stacey was three and I became a single parent.
This would have been a good time for me to step back, evaluate what went wrong, get some advice, take a little time for my own healing. But, not me! I am a TYPE A, INDEPENDENT woman! I just got busy (which is what I do best),put my shoulder to the grindstone and pushed ahead!
A few years later I became involved with someone I should not have been involved with – he was still living under the same roof with his estranged wife. I knew better, but in my mind I was able to come up with lots of rationalizations. Eventually we were married and our son, Casey, was born. That marriage started on the wrong foot and went downhill quickly when my husband became a drug addict.
I was pretty ignorant about drugs when this all started but over the next seven years I got my MBA in dysfunctional living! My husband eventually found his drug of choice, free basing crack cocaine. Our lives became almost surreal and I was caught up in the whirlwind of the pathological lying, stealing, other women, several arrests, incredible family conflicts and exhaustion. To cope with all the insanity, I began to develop my own specialty in codependency. This whole process seemed to sneak up on me. I came into this world as an intelligent, independent and honest person. But over the course of time, I became very manipulative, dysfunctional and angry. I turned around one day and hardly knew myself.
When Casey was four years old, I was calling a helpline out of the phone book to get my husband into another de-tox facility after a weekend of free-basing. The helpline counselor asked me what I was doing for myself and my son. I reminded her that I was calling to get help for my husband. She persisted. It took a few minutes for the reality of my situation to slap me in the face and then I knew I had to get out! After LOTS of pain and suffering for the whole family, we were divorced and I was a single parent again!
Then I began the process of trying to find Linda -- trying to get back to a life that felt more in control, a life that had more meaning and a life that would be more consistent with my profession of being a Christian.
Through all of this craziness, I was in and out of church. Since I had grown up in the church it seemed like I was SUPPOSED to go. Maybe it was muscle memory. Maybe it was God. And once I had my daughter, it just seemed that my heart and soul said, you are SUPPOSED to take that child to church. Neither of my husbands were at all interested in going to church. Often we would do other things on Sundays. I would come and go,but no one at church really noticed, because I wasn’t connected. I was just going through the motions. I was not walking with the Lord. I was doing life my way – dependent on myself. I was pursuing the things that everyone else around me was: my job, finances, housing, raising children alone, and looking for more dysfunctional relationships - all MY stuff! I lived a chaotic life going full tilt. No wonder I had little time to think about my relationship with God.
After the second divorce, I began to feel God pulling me back to Him in several ways. Over a period of years I stumbled my way back to God. I still wasn’t really seeking wise counsel or reading His Word consistently. If God wasn’t so persistent in pursuing me, He might never have caught me!
My prayers for a Godly man were answered in my husband Bob. We just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary! When we met we were both “prodigal children” looking for our way back to God. We didn’t do it perfectly but God has been so faithful to us!
But God wasn’t done with me yet because He knew that my life was still too full of other stuff. I wasn’t making much time for God…about 1 1/2 hours each week to come to service – and I prayed on and off – mostly when I was troubled. God had to get my attention. He had to allow me to really struggle…I always say, “He had to hit me upside the head with a two by four”! That’s what it took to get through to me! At this time, I was a successful executive with a large organization – with about 700 people reporting under me. That job might have been one of the things that helped me maintain my sanity through the years of dysfunction with my second husband. I had basically made it my identity. I became a true work-a-holic. God finally got my attention through a demotion. In the middle of that devastating process, while I was shaken to the core, I suddenly thought, “what if this is God’s doing?” So between the actual meetings with my bosses that day, I prayed to God, and for the first time in my adult life, I submitted to Him. I told him, “If this is from you, then I am OK with it” – and I meant it! In that moment, I felt so relieved. It’s hard to explain. I felt God’s presence and total peace. It’s funny because I had heard Christians say things like that all my life and honestly, I thought it was a bunch of malarkey! But, here I was. And it was REAL! I did get demoted. But the good news was that my new job was much less stressful and demanding of my time. Now I actually had a little more time to give to God. What should have been one of the worst events of my life, became the beginning of my new walk with the Lord.
I started to study the Bible for the first time in my life! This is where the “wisdom from heaven” comes in! I never expected the Bible to be so exciting and practical! We also joined a small group at church and started serving. Gradually….I noticed that going to church changed from a guilt-driven childhood routine to a vital part of my life. Praying stopped being a struggle and became an on-going dialogue with my heavenly Father.
I began to realize that the emptiness inside me could not be filled by the things of this world or my own hard work. And that my failure to submit to God’s plan for my life had only prevented me from having a life of true fulfillment. Only a genuine relationship with the creator of the universe could enable that.
All those years of dysfunction and despair were not for nothing! Although I had not produced the type of fruit that God was talking about, I was not a lost cause! God was able to make lemonade out of my lemons! And I believe that is exactly what He is doing. I have found great joy in serving in a single parent ministry here at Lake Avenue. I love these parents and their kids, and I really do understand what they are going through. We walk together in faith through the good and bad times – holding each other up and praising God for His loving mercies!
When I think about my testimony, it seems pretty ironic. I’ve made almost every mistake possible in my lifetime. I have sinned against God and others. Only God can take that history and re-write it. He calls me His “friend” and “saint” – and lets me participate in His Kingdom work…isn’t that amazing?!
I might have been “hatched” an independent person…but today I stand here totally dependent on Him….and loving it!
From Independent to Dependent…
