I felt so alone and hopeless. I didn’t understand why this was happening to me.
I was suffering from deep depression, anxiety and agoraphobia. As a teenager I spent most of my days in my room. I was so angry with God. I thought, “If there is really a God... Why am I suffering?”
One day I was in my room sitting on the floor crying. I was broken. As I listened to my Mom and little brother playing in the pool I thought to myself, “It’s so sad I can’t be out there, too.”…I was contemplating ending my life that day.
I had no hope for the future and couldn’t bear living like this. I was still young and had many years left to live in this misery. The idea of even getting married or having children made me think, who would even want to be with someone like me? I couldn’t take care of myself, how could I take care of another person?
I cried and shivered with fear as I planned how to end my life, but In that moment of desperation, an overwhelming sense of love, warmth and peace came over me; like a strong heartfelt hug for which I had been yearning. Then I saw an image of Jesus and a woman, whom I believe to be Mary. He talked to me and told me (I don’t remember exact words), “You are not alone, I love you, I am your Father, all you need is Me, I am here.”
I felt so loved and at peace and at that moment I remember feeling like I was floating in the clouds. It was beautiful. This is when I knew that I accepted Christ as my savior. I felt His love and presence.
Although I have had some ups and downs and struggles with God, I remind myself of that day in my room. I push forward with faith, knowing Jesus is real and true. Currently God is teaching me how to have patience, to be a better person and be more appreciative.
I am almost 40 years old. (Yikes!) Lake Avenue Church was the first Christian Church I attended and loved it, about 12 years ago. I recently moved back to Pasadena with my family and have been attending ever since. My daughter Sophia is in the Choristers program on Wednesdays and attends the Sunday School here which she really enjoys!
In celebration of Mothers’ Day I think back on my doubts and fears and thankfully, I am living a fulfilled and blessed life with my adoring husband and two beautiful children.
God had other plans for me although I couldn’t see them at the time. He accepts me and pursues me every day. God is good!
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