title="English

He Changes our Families

Mark 10:1-16

Let me tell you something about you and me: God made us to have deep, growing, and lasting relationships. God made us in his image and, according to the Bible, God has always existed as one God who is three persons. When we first meet two people in Genesis 2, we meet people whose relationships are close and open – with God, within themselves, and with one another. But, when people chose selfishness and disobeyed God, the result was that all relationships began to suffer.

But Jesus came to restore us to God and to one another. God did not mean for us to be divided and broken. One of the things that should happen when we begin to follow Jesus, is that we should begin to find broken relationships restored. And when God is done with his work in us, all our relationships will be healed. This is the beautiful teaching that undergirds our passage today in Mark 10:1-16.

One relationship that was really troubled in Jesus’ day (and in ours) was marriage. According to Genesis 2, God created marriage for our benefit. God made it so we can experience life together with another person. In a marriage, we are two people who become one – one in almost countless ways: physically through the sexual bond, emotionally, financially, spiritually... Human beings long for this kind of close relationship in this world – whether we are Christians or not. I have never been to a wedding in which the couple stood in front of the pastor with the attitude, “I hope this never works out!” No, they are longing to have a person they can share life with. Still, when Jesus taught about marriage, his own disciples were shocked. They said to him, “If what you say is true, it’s better not to marry at all (Mt 19:10)!” I think most people are still as shocked about Jesus’ teaching as the disciples were back then. So, today we will do what we often do at LAC, i.e., we will read Jesus’ words about marriage and divorce and ask, “Do we trust that Jesus’ ways are better than our own?”

This is not an easy topic to talk about in a public setting and with as little time as we have in a service like this. Let me say upfront: Please don’t be disappointed that I won’t (and can’t) deal with every “what if” question you may have about marriage and divorce. And, I’m aware that there is so much pain and emotion attached to the subject of marriage and divorce that some say a pastor should just deal with it in small group or seminar settings when we there is an opportunity for questions and answers. And many issues related to divorce surely are better dealt with in more private settings. But, I think we need to hear from the pulpit about how God regarded marriage. Jesus talked about it and I will not avoid it either. I’m going to look as briefly as possible at what Jesus said on one day when he was questioned about marriage -- and then I’ll make a few pastoral affirmations for our day:

#1: The Test (10:2)

In our day, divorce is a judgment of a law court that legally dissolves a marriage. In Jesus’ day, divorce was an independent action taken by a husband to get rid of his wife. Divorce was very common among the Jewish people. It was even more common among the Greeks and Romans. Make note of several things:

First, the words we read from the lips of Jesus here are not spoken to a woman who has just been abandoned by a husband leaving her with nothing but an answer to hostile questioners. Jesus was in Judea in Mk 10 – where Jerusalem lay -- and was getting very close to the time of his crucifixion. The Pharisees in the episode were trying to trap Jesus. So, Jesus is not directly addressing the questions we usually have about troubled marriages. He’s responding to a sinister personal attack. The fact is that Jesus was being put under fire by a group of people trying to press him into a corner. I wonder: What would Jesus have said to a woman who come up to him after being given a certificate of divorce and run out of her home? It would have been a very different discussion, I’m sure.

Second, the point that brings up the test that in Deut. 24:1-4, Moses wrote about how, in a troubled marriage, a man could to give his wife a certificate of divorce when there was “a matter of indecency.” But, for centuries, there had been enormous debate about what “a matter of indecency” included. Listen to the Jewish Mishnah, the commentary that put together the long teachings of the Jewish rabbis related to the books of Moses: The teaching of Shammai says, “A man may not divorce his wife unless he has found her to be sexually unfaithful… The teaching of Hillel says he may divorce her even if she spoiled a meal for him… and Rabbi Akiba says he may divorce her even if he finds another fairer than she… So, all agreed that sexual unfaithfulness broke the marriage bond and allowed for divorce and remarriage. But the majority of teachers seemed to think a man could divorce his wife for almost any reason.

So, there were two ways of applying Moses’ teaching in Jesus’ day, i.e., 1) those who thought that the only thing that could break a marriage bond was sexual infidelity and 2) those who thought it could be broken by virtually anything the man found to be displeasing about his wife. And these two views parallel what I usually deal with as a pastor in our day. Some, usually those who come from more shame-based cultures, say that a man and woman should stay in a marriage no matter what has happened. There can be physical and emotional abuse. The relationship can be marked by intimidation, disrespect, and dishonesty and still, for them, the rule is the important thing. The sense of shame this can create in a person often keeps people from being able even to discuss the marriage struggles. And, as we will see, Jesus says this is not what God created a marriage to be.

But, more people in our Western world echo the more permissive view, i.e., that people feel strongly that God has made people to do what makes people happy. Therefore, people think, “If I’m unhappy, surely God doesn’t want me to stay in this relationship!” So, many taught in Jesus’ day, that if a woman burned the man’s toast or was no longer as attractive as someone else, the man could put her away. This permissive group was asking the question that every man seems to have asked since sin entered the world, i.e., “How much can I get by with? How far is too far? God doesn’t want me to be unhappy, does he?” And, Jesus will teach that this selfish perspective that makes people leave marriages is not what marriage was made for either. When we ask those kinds of questions, we haven’t really made a commitment to the other person.

So, this test from the Pharisees was meant to put Jesus in a very difficult situation. If he held to the more restrictive view, then they would say that it would lead to people being bound in a marriage filled with disrespect and dissatisfaction. But, if Jesus took the more permissive view, the conservatives would accuse him of liberalism. I should add also that taking a firm position on this question had resulted in John the Baptist being beheaded in Mark 6. So, at worst, the Pharisees hoped that what had happened to John might happen to Jesus. At best, they want his decision to lead to a division among the many hearers.

Bottom line: This was a “test” the Pharisees thought Jesus could not pass. Either he would get into hot water by taking a conservative view pointing out that divorces like Herod’s were illegitimate. Or, would he agree that a man could put a woman away for any reason whatsoever and run into the backlash of the “conservatives”. I can imagine this sort of thing happening in our day too.

#2: The Teaching (10:3-9)

The Pharisee’s question in v. 2 was only about what was lawful. They wanted to know what God would let people get by with legally. But, Jesus doesn’t want us to think about marriage relationships in terms of what we can get out of legally. He wants our relationships to be what God created them to be. Good relationships enable us to appreciate life. Good marriage relationships can reflect the unity of God and the faithfulness of God to our world. A good relationship contributes so much to our own growth and development. So, Jesus does what I hope to do today, i.e., he takes us back to the beautiful reason God gave us marriage in the first place. The questioners only wanted to know how they could get them out of a marriage legally. But Jesus refused to talk about marriage in terms of a set of rules. He wouldn’t say that divorce is acceptable if a certain list of things occurs. Instead, he talked about why God created a marriage in his world. Jesus’ teaching takes them and us to God’s intent in a marriage. Read vv. 6-9.

What does God intend for a marriage to be?

• Union of two who become one that reflects the unity of God who is three and one. Ephesians 5 points out that two things reflect to our broken world something of the unity and faithfulness of God: 1) a unified and lasting local church made up of people as diverse as Jew and Gentile, and 2) the marriage of a man and woman living in a lasting relationship.
• Gift for doing life together. God makes the two to become one – not the laws. God created the male and female. God joins together. And, as our marriage vows state, “What God has joined together let no one and nothing put asunder.” That union is not simply a legal union. It is multi-faceted – emotional, sexual, financial, familial. When it begins to grow, it is so beautiful. Do you know the passage in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12? Two are better than one... For if they fall, one will lift up the other. But woe to the one who is alone when he falls and has no one to lift him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.
• Central place for people to bring people to Jesus – You’ll see that the text immediately flows into a discussion about children coming to Jesus in vv. 13-16. When we have God at the center of our marriage relationship and treat one another as Jesus treats us, our children will see it and they will be drawn to the Jesus who brought us together and holds us together. This is so clear in many places in the Bible, especially Malachi 2:15: What does God seek in a faithful marriage? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.

So, if marriage is so beautiful and so much a part of God’s plan for his world. Why do we have that Dt 24 passage that talks about a certificate of divorce? In the way I read it, Jesus taught that God “suffers” (permits) some things in this world to keep worse things from happening. In the biblical world, if a woman simply was cast out of her home, she would have had only three options: begging, prostitution, or suicide. Singleness was not an option in most of the ancient world and there were no financial support systems outside the family. The Africa Bible Commentary points out that in many tribal communities, this still is the case. God loves people though he hates the breaks in a relationship that leads to divorce. If people are so selfish and hard-hearted that we are unfaithful or cruel to those we know, we must also know that God will find a way to care for those affected by people’s sin. In this situation, it was a certificate of divorce.

A certificate of divorce always allowed for remarriage in biblical times. The basic wording in the certificate included: “Now this woman is permitted to any man.” A woman who was kicked out of her marriage home needed this certificate in Jesus’ day. This is the ground for Jesus saying in vv. 10-12 that giving a certificate of divorce when the physical part of the marriage relationship had not been broken by sexual unfaithfulness forced a woman to enter into adultery. However, because God understood human sin and that many people would not fulfill their marriage commitments, he had permitted a certificate in Dt 24. God still deals with us like this in countless ways as we live lives that fall short of his glory in many areas of life. But, when we follow Jesus, we should seek to live in ways that honor him. And that means that we are to be committed to having our marriages relationships reflect his unity and his faithfulness.

Let me add this wonderful statement from Tim Keller: When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him- or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.

#3: Some Pastoral Affirmations – What do I want us to take home today?

1. I want us all to do all we can to have our Christian marriages grow and flourish.

God says marriage is for our good. Jesus says he wants our marriage to grow closer to the oneness that makes his glory known. So, as a first step – out of obedience to Christ -- recommit to your marriage if you are in one. Renew your vows. As far as it depends on you, recommit to building a faithful and love-filled marriage. How? I think it starts with dedicating yourself to becoming an “adjusting person”. The key verses for this kind of relationship are Philippians 2:3-4 -- Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

A relationship that is genuine and honest will always shape our lives. This is a principle that undergirds much of the Bible’s teaching about all of our relationships. If we enter into a friendship and expect the other person to do all the adjusting, we will find the relationship is, at best, shallow and, at worst, destructive.

The good news of God’s gospel is that God has chosen to enter into a relationship with people like us. However, in order for that to happen, Jesus, who was and is in very nature God made adjustments for us. Jesus “did not consider equality with God something he had to hold onto for his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant… and became obedient to death (Phil. 2:5-8).” On our side, when we enter into a relationship with Jesus, we place our faith in him and allow him to shape our lives. Jesus, the one through whom the world was made, enters into our lives and changes our lives.

With that in mind, today, we see the Bible teaches us that God uses human relationships to help transform our lives. The relationship Jesus talks about in this text is the one meant to be the most lasting, most intimate and most life-changing of all human relationships, i.e., marriage. Any marriage that is lasting and growing always involves two people making ongoing adjustments to one another. And it demands – mutual submission. We need to consciously allow our lives to be shape our lives to fit with our spouse’s life.

For example, I like sports. Chris likes Downton Abbey. Sometimes, I watch a football game while she watches Downton Abbey. But, sometimes, she sits down and watches a football game with me. And, at least, I’ve learned who Matthew and Mary (popular character on Downton Abbey) are. If Chris and I don’t do some reshaping of our lives to fit with one another, we will always be sitting in opposite rooms watcvhing separate TVs. And that will be just a visual portrayal of a larger issue.

So I want you to develop some interests together. Go to a seminar together once in a while. Eat meals together. Talk about the sermon together And, when you sense you are moving apart, deal with the situation quickly.

2. I want us to tell a new generation of the goodness, beauty and lasting significance of marriage.

Many younger church people have never heard that God intends marriages to last and to be beautiful – and that divorce rips apart what God intends to stay together. Chris and I’ve been married 37 years and I’m ready to go another 37! Chris would sometimes come to visit me at the university I presided over and we would grab lunch together in a nearby restaurant. We met a young couple of servers who had recently gotten married. One day they came over to our table when all the other customers were gone and sat down to talk. They said, “Both our parents are divorced and both divorces were ugly. In fact, we have no marriage on either side of our extended families that have stayed together. But, deep inside, we think a lasting marriage is good. We’ve just never seen one. We see it in you. We want what you have.” Now, let me tell you that Chris and I still need to grow. But, I want us to let our lives and words declare to a broken world that, with the help of Jesus, a marriage can last – and that it is beautiful.

We must do what Jesus did and pull the discussion of marriage out of the mundane issue of political definition and personal rights and into the question of our loving God’s intent for the world he loves. Founded on your commitment to Christ, marriage has the power to help set the course of your life as a whole. If your marriage is strong, even if all the circumstances in your life around you are filled with trouble and weakness, it won't matter. You will be able to move out into the world in strength.

3. I want our church to be a place of grace and healing for the broken – including marriages.

We must agonize over a world filled with broken relationships and offer the healing of God within the church family. Many of the questions people have about marriage and divorce are very personal and cannot be dealt with in a sermon before hundreds of people. I’m sure you have many, many question after this sermon. But, though I cannot deal with each situation in a sermon, we can do so in smaller groups. You need to find a smaller group of people who are committed to God’s grace and to his Word. In those places, we must talk about and pray about the struggles we have. None of us has the power to undo what has happened in the past. But, God knows that and makes provision for us. When we have fallen short of what God intended our relationships to be, we must seek together with our church family for what the best next steps should be. Two things distinguished the church from the world in the first centuries of the church: 1) the commitment to building lasting marriages in a divorce filled world and 2) care for the poor. As Roy Clements has said, The early church was strikingly different from the culture around it in this way - the pagan society was stingy with its money and promiscuous with its body. A pagan gave nobody their money and practically gave everybody their body. And the Christians came along and gave practically nobody their body and they gave practically everybody their money.

So, with Jesus’ teaching in our hands, prayer in our hearts, and the counsel of grace-filled people in our ears, we can experience that God forgives, restores, and guides us until all relationships are made right. And that brings us to communion…

[Sal, a former party girl who is in her late 30's at a bar having pre-wedding drinks with Cam and Mitchell, a gay couple who are serving as her best men. In a previous scene she kissed the bartender.]

Mitchell:
Yes, yes. Kissing the bartender was a little inappropriate. But let's not over-react. It's perfectly normal to have a panic attack before making a big life decision.

Sal:
What if it's the wrong decision? What if Tony's not the guy? What if he's the guy or him? He's cute, when did he come in?

Cam:
Okay, You need to focus Sal! You are about to make a sacred, life-long commitment.

Sal:

You’re not making this any better.

[Phone rings; Sal looks at it but doesn't answer.]

Sal:
Oh God, it's Tony! I'm supposed to pick him up and drive him to the wedding. Everybody shut up for a second! Okay, you know what? I'm going to marry him. What's the worst that can happen? I get a divorce? People do it all the time.

Jeremy’s note: What I like about the multi-color upward spiral is that it is a relational journey that is at times forward, at times backwards, at times upwards, at times downwards, but as followers of Christ, in relationship with the Triune God, it is ever-moving toward the completed work God promises he is doing in our lives through Christ. And God promises that he is with us at every turn.

To His glory,

Dr. Greg Waybright
Senior Pastor