Dealing with Loss
John 13:36-14:11
Few experiences are more distressing than loss. Even when it's our keys, or homework or pet animal, we feel heartbroken when we lose things. But when a person is involved, the emotional devastation can be almost unendurable.
Just ask anyone who has lost a friend, the child who has lost a parent, even a divorcee, and they'll all tell you the same thing: love's power to enrich our lives is matched only by its power to embitter them with tragedy when we lose the one we have loved.
Today I want us to look at three people dealing with loss as recorded in John 13:33-14:9. At the time, a tragedy is about to engulf the disciples. The 11 men who remained after Judas’ departure had all left their homes and professions to follow Jesus. By John 12, it’s clear the Jewish political leaders had rejected Jesus. And the religious leaders too. All the disciples have left is Jesus. Feel the moment as in John 13:33, Jesus says, "In a few hours, you'll lose me too."
This Passover supper they're sharing would be the last they would have with Jesus. His upcoming departure broods like a dark cloud over the entirety of their conversation at the table. The whole thing bewildered them. They were frightened. Their hearts were troubled.
Most distressing of all is the way Jesus keeps echoing the word "going." "I'm going," He says. "I'll be with you a little while longer. Where I'm going, you can't come now." It's like a dying parent trying to warn his children of the blow that the family will soon undergo. Here is Jesus, with a tenderness almost unparalleled in the Bible, preparing the disciples for loss. "My children," He says, "I'm going."
What we will look at today is the response of three of the disciples to this loss. Each represents a different response to grief. You will recognize them all. They transcend history and culture. Human beings share a lot in the ways we experience loss. Each disciple is different – and each story shows how Jesus deals with those who belong to Him. I have one big goal in talking with you this today, i.e., to help you think about what it means to trust Jesus in times of loss.
Response #1: Denial: Peter, “The Take Charge Guy” (13:36-14:3)
Vv. 36-37. You often observe that the first stage of grief is non-acceptance, a refusal to believe the bad news. "It can't be true, doctor, there must be something I can do. I won't let it happen." And we see that in Peter's uninhibited response.
"Why can't I follow you now?" And then, "I will lay down my life for you!" Do you grasp the irony of that? If Peter had died instead of Jesus, there would never be any eternal hope for Peter – much less for us. Do you think the impetuous and oft-wrong Peter could die for your sins?
Peter is saying, “You're wrong, Jesus. I can handle this. I'll lay down my life for you." As was often true of him, Peter couldn't admit his limitations. He couldn't say, "I need you to do something for me, Jesus." "I will lay down my life.” He doesn’t even say we. Peter's not speaking on behalf of the disciples. "No, everybody else may be a weakling and coward, but not me. I'll die for you. Just trust me, Jesus. I can handle this. I’ll figure it out."
I wonder whether there wasn't at least a trace of an understanding smile on Jesus' face as he reflects this absurd statement back to Peter: "Will you really lay down your life for me?” “But Peter,” I would want to say: “Don't you know that sometimes you can do nothing? You're not God. Sometimes you can do nothing but be a spectator of somebody else's sacrifice; nothing but a recipient of somebody else's generosity. You can't put Jesus in your debt, Peter. It's impossible. He's the One in control. It is we who depend on Him.”
Peter couldn't see that God had a plan with this death of His Son. "I tell you, Peter, before the cock crows you will fail -- you will disown Me three times." So we see that Jesus answers the irony of Peter's boast with the even greater irony of Peter's failure. This "brave" disciple before the night is out will display his real self, his cowardice. This "devoted" disciple before the night is over will weep because his disloyalty.
It would be a hard lesson for Peter to learn to learn. But Peter would have to learn it if he would ever be usable by God. And all of us must learn it. God doesn't use the one who has never failed -- or who thinks he's never failed, or pretends he's never failed. Jesus doesn't love us for what we can do for Him. He loves us in spite of the fact that we are weak and ragged. Our ability to serve Him must always be built on that self-knowledge.
I’m quite sure there are many here today who feel you have failed as a Christian. You hear of missionaries and think you could never be so committed. You attend Bible studies and think everyone else knows the Bible and God better than you. And so you sit in church this morning bowed down by your failure before God and dazzled by the halos that seem to be surrounding you. Well, listen: Jesus is not as impressed by us as you may be. He's not impressed by the veneer of super-spirituality that some of us project in church.
Jesus isn't looking for perfection or frantic activism from you today any more than he was looking for it from Peter. He's looking for something else. Let me say it as simply as I can: What Jesus is looking for from you and me today if we are facing loss is for us to trust Him -- To trust him, wait upon him, and, while we do, for us to be faithful to him.
Response #2: Anger: Thomas, “The Annoyed Agnostic"
14:4-5. Let's think about Thomas’ angry response and try not be too negative about our brother from the past. I can well imagine that the other disciples were all thinking what Thomas was thinking, but were afraid to ask. In a way, I've always found Thomas to be an honest and straightforward sort of man. He's branded as "the doubter" because of his skepticism just after Jesus' resurrection. But, I wonder if that’s fair.
Thomas was a bold man. In John 11:16, he is ready to go to Jerusalem even if it meant his own death. I think of him as a blunt, Germanic type, who faces fear, doubt, and confusion head on. You always know right where he stands. He doesn't fake understanding when he doesn't understand. He won't put on a fake smile and nod that he thinks Jesus is right when he doesn't. Instead, Thomas says, "Look, you tell us we know the way to where you're going. But I tell you, we don't even know where you're going."
Now, Thomas is wrong. Jesus has clearly told Thomas repeatedly where He is going -- through death to the Father. And Jesus has said clearly the way people can follow to that place, i.e., by faith placed in Him. But Thomas, at this point, has never grasped this.
Perhaps the worst part of this network of emotional responses we see in Thomas is the blaming. He really is blaming Jesus here for the problems he is encountering. "You didn't tell us well enough, Jesus. You've misled us. We thought you were going to set up your kingdom and now you talk about death. It's your fault we’re struggling. It’s your fault I'm not handling things well."
This so often is a part of the angry response. We find it hard to see our own blindness so we find someone else to blame for our problems. One businessman friend of mine says the most impossible people to work with are those who aren't really producing but then are adept at blaming their lack of fruitfulness on others. "Give me a better car, a better secretary, better equipment, and I'll be your best employee." But it never happens. And it's that response we see in Thomas.
Jesus' Response to An Angry Agnostic
This is the part I'm most interested in. When I am feeling like Thomas, how does Jesus respond to me? I am gripped by what we see. Briefly, but unmistakably, a clear response is given--vv.6-7. What do we see in Jesus?
The Compassion and Understanding
Jesus doesn't cast Thomas off. I believe we have a model here of what we should expect from Jesus when we don’t know what God is doing. It would be better for us never to be angry or depressed; but when we are, we might as well tell God exactly what we feel. Jesus will not be blown away by the force of our arguments or pushed off by our frustration.
At the same time, Jesus doesn't back off from truth in His compassion. In fact, one of the greatest statements in the Bible is called forth by the honest inability of one disciple to grasp what He has been saying. "Thomas, you old 'Eor', I know what you're feeling, but shake it off and listen to me --" "I am the way . . ."
Jesus main call to Thomas is the same as it was to Peter: Jesus calls Thomas to trust Him.
"I am the way," says Jesus, "no one comes to the Father but by Me." Your problem, Thomas, isn't so much that you don't know the details you want. No, your problem is you don't know Me. Trust Me, Thomas, for I am the way to the Father."
You may say that this challenge to simply trust Jesus when you don't understand everything is a gamble. But then all personal relationships are a gamble if you look at it that way. Jesus says, "Trust Me. I am the way out. I know what I'm doing. Trust Me. I'm in control. There is a reason for what I’m doing -- a purpose for my leaving. Trust me."
And, I tell you today that Jesus is worthy of that trust.
Response #3: Bargaining: Philip, “The Experience Seeker”
V.8. Philip is like many of us when someone proposes something we don’t like, i.e., Philip is sure he has a "better idea" to offer Jesus. And, if most of us had been there in the Upper Room that evening, we would probably have voted for Philip's idea--not Jesus'. "Why all this talk about suffering and death just so we can see the Father. Just show us the Father! That'll be enough for us." It's the same sort of bargain many of us want to strike with God when we're encountering something we can't understand. "Heal this person -- don't let them go through this or that!"
What Philip couldn't or wouldn't grasp is that there is no way he could see the Father until the thing that kept Him from the Father was dealt with, i.e., his sin.
I guess, if I were Jesus, I would have answered, "You're nuts, Philip! You know that God is holy and you're a sinner. How can you pretend that you're ready to see God now!" But even though Jesus does have to correct Philip's foolish bargain, he does not correct him harshly. Instead, Jesus tells Philip that what he wants has already happened -- but Philip hadn't noticed. V.9: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’?”
Throughout John’s Gospel, Philip had been present for what John called “signs”, miracles Jesus had done that pointed to the fact that he was God. Philip should have known that when Jesus was there, God was there. V.11: Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves.
But, Jesus knew the limitations of signs and wonders for people like us. One sign is never enough for us. Tomorrow a new challenge comes and tomorrow we will needs something new – but something bigger and better! Too many of us think our spiritual lives should always be built on sensational things. I think of it as “National Enquirer” or TMZ tabloid Christianity”. Always a new sensational scoop, whether fully true or not. Jesus basically says, “Philip, if you really knew Me, you would be beyond that." We should be too.
I wonder today if a few "Philips" are here. You may be a waverer in your faith and though you've been interested in church and matters of faith, you keep waiting for explosive experiences of God that will blow your mind and rid you of all doubt. Jesus may be saying to you today, "Don't you know Me? Even after I've been speaking to you for such a long time, don't you know Me?" You don't need a burning bush to become a Christian. For a Christian has something better than a burning bush -- we have Jesus. Jesus calls you to trust him even when you do not fully see yet why painful things are happening. And you should trust him simply because Jesus is worthy of trust.
And this is my call today to you in times of loss: “Let not your hearts be troubled. You trust in God. Trust in me.” These are very famous words that applied to all three men we’ve considered today. They're words spoken first to Christians who under great loss were about to fail. And, they are as relevant to us in times of grieving or loss as they were to them.
*The reason for that trust
V.2: My Father’s house has many rooms. If that were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. Of course, that phrase "many rooms" – translated “many mansions” in the KJV -- has led to some wild speculation. Some have imagined that each Christian in heaven will have the spiritual equivalent of an oceanside estate in La Jolla. But that makes no sense in the context.
The most obvious meaning is that where God lives there is room enough for all. "There's plenty of room there, men. You don't have to impress me with your big words." Heaven isn't like an exam you have to pass to make sure you get into grad school. Heaven isn't like a concert where there's only so much space and only VIP's get good seats. You don't have to prove yourself superior to other Christians in order to get a mansion by the beach rather than a shack by the dump.”
No, for a Christian, heaven is "My Father's house." In other words, where God is will be home for his children! And God has plenty of room for His whole family -- even for the failures for, you see, we've all failed. So Jesus says, "Trust God with this loss -- yes, trust Me.”
Let me tell you – Jesus’ message here to these three men is a message that we can hold onto whatever we experience in this world. It’s basically this: Jesus knows what he’s doing even in times of loss. He has a plan that is good and it will all work out for the good of those who love him. He asks you and me to trust him. He would soon die and then take away the lasting sting of death.
We have to be amazed at the paradox of what Jesus said: "I am the way"‑‑ spoken by One whose way was to be the way of death reserved for the worst of criminals. "I am the truth"‑‑ spoken by One who would soon be condemned by lying witnesses. "I am the life"‑‑ spoken by One whose dead corpse would soon be lying in a dark tomb with a government seal over it.
But the triumph was to come. For this way that Jesus would go would not be the way we go to the Father. We go through Him. Because He went the way through the cross, He became the way for us. The Shepherd dies ‑‑ the sheep live. The Lamb dies ‑‑ we live. The way of Jesus is the cross; the way for us is Jesus. Jesus had to go away so that we might have hope.
Here I’ll tell my personal experience of this text with Brittany’s loss.
This way of Jesus through death to life is what the Apostle Paul talks about, i.e., in this world we will still have sorrow when there is a parting. But it is, for us, a “sorrow but with hope." I believe that real sorrow in times of loss is accompanied by the hope of Christ – and I believe in it deeply. But, the sorrow part is still so real. The hope in Christ is too. But, grief seems nonetheless to reach into every part of my being. What would we do without the certain hope established by the resurrection? So, I leave you today with the clear and powerful words of Jesus: Do not let your hearts be troubled. You trust God; trust me… In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world (Jesus, John 14:1; 16:33).
To His glory,
Dr. Greg Waybright
Senior Pastor
Greg Waybright • Copyright 2015, Lake Avenue Church